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Pastor Gregory L. Jackson, Ph.D.


6421 W. Poinsettia Drive

Phoenix, Arizona 85304-2419





Courtland, Mn, July 24, 1998 (United Pork International)


Rev. Lawrence Burgomeister announced today, from the headquarters of the Sam Schwein Foundation that a grant has been provided so the World Evangelical Lutheran Synod (WELS) can buy the Beulahland Evangelical Lutheran Synod (BELS).


Burgomeister explained to UPI, “The cost was surprisingly low. Once we added up the value of the congregations and the college, it was definitely doable. The buyout solves a lot of problems at once. First of all, WELS wanted to get more harmony out of BELS, instead of a lot of carping and whining. Secondly, WELS will not have to hear another word about the ‘Moment of Ordination.’ Some think the moment of ordination is when a divine call is issued and accepted, but others think it begins with the laying on of hands. Now, if anyone brings it up, WELS can just say, ‘Silence! We settled that in the buyout.”


Burgomeister elaborated, “WELS will also get access for their predatory giving counselors. Everyone in BELS with a deep pocket will be on the WELS list, so it is believed that the ROI (Return on Investment) will be good to excellent.” Rev. Ron Blau, beaming at the announcement, added with a scowl, “We do not like our counselors being nicknamed Tetzels, so the buyout terms include the stipulation that they will be called estate planners, heaven’s gatekeepers, or eternal-peace-of-mind advisors.”


The Sam Schwein Foundation began because of the incredible generosity of Sam Schwein, who started his career in the food business with a pig he won at a church raffle. He figured what the pig was worth to a farmer, then how much it was worth as processed pork, then its increased value as sliced meat in a sandwich. He washed windows for a farmer and got his pig slaughtered. Then he took the dressed pig to a meat processor and turned his prize into sliced meat, sweeping the floors in exchange for the labor. Finally he talked his new bride, Ella, into making pork sandwiches and selling them door to door.


The business began poorly. No one wanted to buy Sam and Ella Pork Sandwiches. They had to keep saying, “Not Salmonella, SAM and ELLA” But then Sam got a brainstorm. Spotting a used Brinks armored truck, he added a refrigeration unit and trucked frozen pork products door to door. Emblazoned on the first truck was a drawing of his first pig and his last name: Schwein.


The Schwein Food business grew quickly because Sam and Ella found a deeply felt need in the American public. People wanted frozen pork, but they worried about it melting in the car and making their vehicles smell like hog farms. In the sunny Southwest, people might race home in air-conditioned cars and still have total pork meltdown. Sam also promoted the view that pork was much leaner than in the past, so his customers enjoyed eating twice as much.


Unfortunately, Sam and Ella could put together a perfect pork sandwich, but not a perfect marriage. Sam left Ella for Janet, just when the pork business was taking off. Janet was a Methodist who joined her new husband’s WELS church, remarking, “I didn’t notice any difference.!”


More and more Americans were on crash diets and wanted to celebrate losing 5 pounds by pigging out on Schwein products. Sam and Janet wanted to celebrate their increased wealth by expanding into new ventures, such as evening get-togethers where housewives would present Schwein products, like Tupperware parties. They were going to be called Sam and Janet Evenings, in honor of their marriage.


Tragically, Sam’s premature death put an end to their business plans but immediately funded the Sam Schwein Foundation. Bypassing his own children and both wives, Sam gave the bulk of his estate through his charitable foundation to the World Evangelical Lutheran Synod. Sam’s second wife became bitter and rejoined the Methodist Church, saying, “I still don’t see any difference!”


Burgomeister dismissed the complaints of Sam’s children. “He called them his piglets,” explained Larry. The foundation and children learned that it would take $800 million in lawyers’ fees to settle the estate, estimated to be worth $800 million, if they went to court. So they all decided to shake hands and act happy.


[The news article above is really a satire. Any parallel to persons living or dead is purely by accident.]